way way way way too long...

Well, I'm back at school.

What is it about being here that robs me of my efficacy?

Its like immediately upon arriving in the Midwest, I become less real somehow. Everything I do and think and feel has less impact on those around me. Its as if I am reduced to a mockery, a forgery, a distant copy of my full self. I'm not allowed to be upset or have problems - doing so simply makes me a blindspot, removes me from the landscape until I return to my 'norm' of being OK. Joking, smiling, doing for everyone else. Giving from what must obviously be a bottomless well.

Have I really let myself get so far with the brilliant smiles and shining eyes? The thought troubles me deeply. Its not always going to be smooth sailing in my life. Not only do I not have any support mechanisms here, no one here seems to even be able to begin to deal with me when I'm genuinely upset. Or even to observe that I am...