"You're not dying, you just can't think of anything good to do."

Howdy all, hope you are enjoying your summers as much as I am. Apropos of nothing, for no other reason than Because Its Wednesday, here's a list of my top five favorite moments of profanity in film and television. These lines are being selected less for the extent to which they are vile and more for their particular poesy; quality, therefore, will be preferred over quantity (which may be why no Quentin Tarantino films appear on my list.) The list may prove to be ill-considered, as its coming mostly off the top of my head.


No. 5 - Hugh Grant as Charles, Four Weddings And A Funeral

"Dear Lord, forgive me for what I am about to say in this magnificent place of worship... Bugger! Bugger! Bugger, bugger, bugger, BUGGER!"

Laced with profanity (as so many British comedies are), this moment still rings true, and hillarious. I actually like it better than the string of "fucks" at the opening of the movie.


No. 4 - Martin Sheen as President Josiah Bartlet, The West Wing, Two Cathedrals

"You're a son-of-a-bitch, you know that? She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? 'You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God,' says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cos I think you're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to yours except praise his glory and praise his name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since you took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year. 68 crew. Do you know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns, just goes around, fixes the other ships, and delivers the mail, that's all it can do. Gratias tibi ago, domine. Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? 3.8 million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, 30 million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem. Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem."

This one may seem like an odd choice, particularly because most of the "profanity," such as it is, is in Latin. The closest Sheen comes to swearing in English is calling God a "feckless thug," although that is a turn of phrase I'm quite fond of. Still I like this one as much for its emotional resonance as anything. To Sheen's very Catholic character talking to God like this is quite a big thing, and cursing God in Latin is pretty much cursing Him in His own tongue.


No. 3 - Ryan Phillippe as Mr. Parker, The Way of The Gun

"Shut that cunt's mouth or I'll come over there and fuck-start her head."

This line, and the opening scene of which it is part, (including a noteworth and profanity-laced rant by none other than the hillarious Sarah Silverman) is a pretty large part of what makes me love this silly little movie. And love it I do, rather a good deal more than it (arguably) deserves.


No. 2 - David Della Rocco as David Della Rocco, The Boondock Saints

"Fucking what the fuckin- fuck- who the fuck fucked this fucking- how did you two fucking fucks- FUCK?"!

A classic, of course, and one I feel needs little explanation. Its preceded by one of my other favorite moments of the movie, Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus frollicking and roughhousing in a room strewn with nine corpses. Flanery's delivery of the line "Yes we are!" still sets me a-tingle.


No. 1 - Ryan Reynolds as Hannibal King, Blade: Trinity

"No, it's not, you horse-humping bitch. But it will be in a few seconds from now. See that tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now? That's atomized colloidal silver. It's being pumped through the building's air conditioning system, you cock-juggling thundercunt."

And here it is, my personal favorite by a wide margin. Reynolds steals the show in Blade: Trinity (and there really isn't all that much show to begin with.) His interactions with Parker Posey rescue a movie dragging under the weight of its own action sequences, and this is his crowning glory, bar none.


Feel free to disagree with me and suggest your own favorite lines in the comments (Deadwood fans, this is your cue, as I've already opened the door by including the West Wing in the list.) More actual posts coming soon I hope (I've seen a ton of movies recently, several of which deserve mention), if I can just muster the energy.