and there are people who will say that they knew me so well

I love burritos.

Please understand that when I say "burritos" I do not mean authentic Mexican cuisine (nor am I discussing anything sold at Taco Bell.) No, I'm talking about burritos as they were reinvented in the United States of America, and specifically Seattle: the ones that consist of rice, beans, meat and salsa (and probably cheese and hopefully veggies) all wrapped in a tortilla. Burritos are like the hamburger of my generation. They're portable and tasty, despite being the size of your head. They can be eaten quickly, again despite their size. And much like every restaurant hamburger you've ever eaten came with lettuce and a slice of tomato, they provide the illusion of good nutrition by containing all four of the pre-pyramid food groups in a single package. Of course, as dorkparade pointed out to me recently, they are in actuality terrible for you. The beans are fatty (not that I get beans on my burritos, but then I'm a freak), the rice is just so many carbohydrates, and the tortilla itself is laden with gluten.

But they're so damn tasty. And cheap! My love for burritos received a boost, no question, during college. Before then I was trepidatious about burritos as a food item, mostly because I don't especially like beans and it hadn't yet occurred to me to get one without any. When my friends would make trips to the local Chipotle I would stumble, abashed, to the McDonald's next door and get some chicken nuggets (after all, I reasoned, they have the same parent company.) But eventually I cracked and was initiated into the cult of Chipotle, and thereafter I ate a lot of burritos. Not, it should be pointed out, as many as my eventual roommate jrdameonhv, whose crazy but lovable mother at one point gave him a Chipotle gift card with something like $300 on it, with no question that he would go through it before the school year was over.

When I graduated and moved back East I lamented the loss of Chipotle, but I learned to adapt. Boston has its own unique varieties of burrito, and I studied at the feet of war_pug and sleetfall. I learned about the great rivalry between Boca Grande and Anna's Taqueria, which are according to Beantown myth and legend owned by a pair of Japanese siblings who hate one another. And I learned to love going down to the local Anna's with war_pug almost, but not quite, as much as I had loved going to Chipotle with jrdameonhv.

Of course Chipotle, as mentioned, is a national chain, whereas Anna's is merely local. And if history has taught us nothing its that you cannot stem the tide of the franchise (unless that franchise is Krispy Kreme, because we love our Dunkin Donuts here in Boston, and will totally break your knees if you even look at them funny.) Eventually a Chipotle came to Medford, but that's fairly out of the way for me, and by now I am become accustomed to Anna's and all the others, so my cravings are not that strong. I find myself instead missing things like Buffalo Joe's, a venerable chain that will certainly never make the journey of a thousand miles to the strange Commonwealth where I now reside. Recently a second burrito joint opened right here in Davis Square, a Boloco over on Elm Street. So if I really want variety in my local establishments, I at least have two options intead of one, right?

I tell you all of this so that you will understand the childish fist-pumping joy it gives me to announce that the rumors I have long chased of a Chipotle opening closer to home are apparently true. A Chipotle Mexican Grill is expected to open in July, where Buck-A-Book once stood, five minutes walk from my front door. Woo-ha.

at the end of the day I play just when I want

On a whim I've been reading over the most recent crankreport columns. I was delighted when I discovered that feed and I'm always happy when I see a post, but ever since I added it I've had unlucky timing with the schedule. New material always seems to come up when I don't have the time to sit down and digest it, and then once I do have that time its been pushed off my LJ friends page by other things and I forget about it. So I sat down and read through several columns, because I was in the mood.

Its good to see that the Reverend is just the same as ever. This man's writing informed a lot of the gaming transformation that took place with me in college, helped me to pupate and finish the transition I had begun in high school. He and I have very similar thoughts on certain things.

Plus, I pick up fun new vocab out of the deal. "Pixelbitching" is a term I've heard used before but never understood too well, until now. Its a useful one. Although nowhere near as useful, or fun, as "frangible," which may be my new favorite word whether or not I'm talking about games.

His writing is just the same as I remember it, right down to it being only barely edited and a little scatterbrained. Pete's repeating himself a bit, but then he's always tended to do that. Refining the same core bits of advice through years of giving them, until they're stripped down to the bare essentials. His most recent columns read like a litany of his greatest hits: Take gaming seriously enough to let it touch you, but not so seriously that you forget that its just a game. Tell a good story; the game stats are only as important as you let them be.

It makes me miss being a player. More to the point it makes me wistful, nostalgic for a certain subset of the college gaming crew. I never really finished out pax_malificus's Mage game, because I moved away before it finished. He and rollick and spreadnparanoia and I made up quite the little gaming circle. The group dynamic was allowed to mature in a way that I'm starting to realize is rare. We were near enough to like-minded individuals to be able to all appreciate a particular style of gaming that was to me sublime. Its not a style that's for everyone, but it worked for us.

Its funny that in writing my retrospectives I skipped by writing one of that game. It means at least as much to me as any game I ever personally ran. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to, because I missed the ending. Or maybe its still too close to me in my memory. I don't get a chance to be a player that often, and even less often a player in a game that goes on for a while. And to be a player in a game that goes on for a while in that sort of deep, very character-driven, very mellow and conversational style? That's really only happened to me once or twice, and I miss it.

But missing it also makes me strive to do better with the games I run. So that's something good, at least.

EDIT: The Reverend has a regular old livejournal (kinesys) in addition to his gaming blog. Dude!

please remember me my misery and how it lost me all I wanted

[Author's Note: I started to draft a post earlier today. Since then I went to the Tuesday open gaming night over at sleetfall's place where, contrary to our usual pattern, we had a high attendance. sleetfall and euchaotic were there as usual. We were also joined by dippy423, human_typhoon and Brendan. We did some story gaming and a good time was had by all, and I'm in a significantly better mood than I was. Still, because the feelings I had when I started to write are valid, I have included the bulk of the post I began. Original text is in italics, additions are not.]

Y'know what?

(And yes, I am aware this like my fourth LJ-related thing of the day, but its that kind of day, so whatever.)

Thinking about my last post... I want to stay up into the late night hours, talking with people I really connect with, for no other reason than because I really connect with them and thus enjoy their company. I connected with pax_malificus, rollick and spreadnparanoia. And no offense intended to my Boston friends but I don't do that anymore. And that's what I miss, really.

And its not just that I have a job now, and am supposed to be a grown-up. Some of those people had jobs and were sort of grown-ups, too.

Of course, by the light of a better night, I realize that just this past Wednesday I was up quietly chatting with Eric and April, absorbed in a deep discussion with Eric until April's yawning forced them to take their leave. Those two are just not who I think of as my core group of friends, because I met them through Story Games Boston, and have yet to reach the stage where I see them outside of that context. The say money won is sweeter than money earned, but maybe the friends I've truly made for myself, in the absence of being introduced by old friends, feel truer somehow. Continuing...

Its been ages since I've felt that close to my friends, felt that comfortable in my skin, around other people. And its not crazy to miss it. And maybe its one of those things that's particular to the time and place. I'll never be in college again. I acknowledge that I'll never feel exactly that way again.

I've had late nights since I moved to Boston, and they've been good late nights, when I've enjoyed a connection. Road trips to Middlebury with dippy423 and war_pug. Maniacal slap-happy sleep-deprived laughter in the gypsy pile at LARP. But everything is just a bit tenser now, a bit harsher, sharper, less warm and safe.

I miss that crew, out in Chicago. I should e-mail some people, make some phone calls. Only I hate the phone. And worse than that, its a little bit like picking at a wound. Sometimes I want to live out there, to see those people again, so badly that it aches. And to be in touch with them is maybe just asking to feel that way.

And maybe I can't handle that, because things with me are only mezzo mezzo right now.

But its been so long since I talked to some of them, and I can't honestly expect to call them my friends -- or to have them think of me as their friend -- when I just don't talk to them, right? There are rumors that I will be making a visit early this summer, to see my brother-in-law graduate from Kellogg. And why not stay in town a few extra days and look up some old friends?

At this point the original post got hung up, because I was venturing into questions of whether or not those folks would even want to see me. And of course they would, I'm just insecure. lassarina has been clamoring to know when she can expect to see me next. And yeah, maybe I won't be able to pick up where I left off, maybe I will have to rebuild some bridges. But I connected with them once, and so I'll take a stab at doing so again. Good friends are worth working for.

[Also, for those who might care, I did end up starting to post some bits and pieces about pax_malificus's splendiferous Mage game over at my new gaming community nachdemspiel.]