you are what you love, not what loves you
Sep. 19th, 2005 06:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enthusiastickAlright, so my last entry didn't turn out how I expected it to. But it also didn't really turn out how I wanted it to, either. I'm wary that its too melancholy, more so than I actually am. As those of you who know me well are aware, it doesn't take much to turn my mood. I'm never that down in the dumps for long, unless I happen to be alone for a long stretch of time and confined to a single place. If I'm interacting with people, or I'm moving around, chances are something will pick me up sooner rather than later.
What I was going to say, before I got off on a tangent about college, was about me and relationships, and the fact that I'm not in one right now. I have a lot of respect for the folks who run OKCupid. They're insightful, and they use math for good instead of evil, and they have a sense of humor about things. All of those are qualities I appreciate. And on their eponymous quiz I turn up the Poolboy. And one of the things about poolboys, according to them, is "Pool Boys are often submissive and hope (desperately) sex will find them."
That's pretty much how I see my romantic history, right there. By and large it is my impression of my dating life. I tend to end up with someone because they pick me. Because they show up, out of the blue, like winning a lottery I wasn't even aware I'd entered. I know that its not literally true. I know that my tendency to see myself in passive-agressive terms (and to actually be passive-agressive) is coloring my perception of events. So that I don't see that I asked her, I see that she said yes.
Which puts me in something of a difficult position, now that I'm out of college. I don't meet new people on a regular basis anymore, so the statistical likelihood of another girl picking me is dramatically lowered. The law of large numbers is working against me. And I'm not really any good at pursuing girls, I never have been. God, in high school I was like Marten of Questionable Content. I was surrounded by, and friends with, cute girls -- many of them cuter than I had any business associating with. And I was a good friend, and a problem-solver, and an advice-giver, and a shoulder to cry on... and not a one of them saw me as dateworthy. The word "harmless" came up a lot. It still makes me cringe (and I just know even mentioning it increases the likelihood that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
syganzychick is going to make fun of me in the near future. Bring it on, lady.)
But I like to think I'm growing out of it.
What I was going to say, before I got off on a tangent about college, was about me and relationships, and the fact that I'm not in one right now. I have a lot of respect for the folks who run OKCupid. They're insightful, and they use math for good instead of evil, and they have a sense of humor about things. All of those are qualities I appreciate. And on their eponymous quiz I turn up the Poolboy. And one of the things about poolboys, according to them, is "Pool Boys are often submissive and hope (desperately) sex will find them."
That's pretty much how I see my romantic history, right there. By and large it is my impression of my dating life. I tend to end up with someone because they pick me. Because they show up, out of the blue, like winning a lottery I wasn't even aware I'd entered. I know that its not literally true. I know that my tendency to see myself in passive-agressive terms (and to actually be passive-agressive) is coloring my perception of events. So that I don't see that I asked her, I see that she said yes.
Which puts me in something of a difficult position, now that I'm out of college. I don't meet new people on a regular basis anymore, so the statistical likelihood of another girl picking me is dramatically lowered. The law of large numbers is working against me. And I'm not really any good at pursuing girls, I never have been. God, in high school I was like Marten of Questionable Content. I was surrounded by, and friends with, cute girls -- many of them cuter than I had any business associating with. And I was a good friend, and a problem-solver, and an advice-giver, and a shoulder to cry on... and not a one of them saw me as dateworthy. The word "harmless" came up a lot. It still makes me cringe (and I just know even mentioning it increases the likelihood that
syganzychick is going to make fun of me in the near future. Bring it on, lady.)But I like to think I'm growing out of it.
