and it did not disappoint

Assembly Square Theater, 10 PM showing

"I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

and I keep thinking tomorrow is coming today...

... so I am endlessly waiting

So the summer is, to my great dismay, already nearing its close. Which means, among other things, that I have lived in greater Boston for over a year now. And I find myself thinking over everything that's happened, especially what's happened this Spring. I've been examining my life and my choices since I moved in with the wonderful folks here in Davis Square.

On the whole, I feel pretty shitty about it.

Don't get me wrong. I have had some insanely good times since I moved here. But I'd be kidding myself if I didn't confess to having some bad lows as well, and I don't have the energy to kid myself just now. That's the trouble, really, or the crux of it. The highs here are good, and the lows aren't maybe so much bad as they are low energy. They're doldrums, and I'm mired in them.

I have this impenetrable sense that no one who's met me since I moved here, no one who knows me only as I am now, has ever seen me at my best or even close to it. I think about how I used to be and wonder what I lost between here and there, and how I lost it. And what I gained, as well. I'm perfectly cognizant of the big places where I've gone wrong (at this point its hard not to be.) And I have a rough idea of the steps I ought to take to get myself back on track.

Only I don't. If I've learned one thing about myself since I graduated from college, I've learned what truly motivates me. And it seems that no amount of frustration and guilt, no measure of shame and exasperation, no overwhelming pall of depression and anger will get the job done. In the end the thing that moves me to act on these troubles, maybe the only thing that ever has, is outright need. I will shift my lazy carcass when it is absolutely required and not a moment before, and I will struggle only enough to meet that need at its minimum. And then the fight will likely go out of me.



I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.

T S Eliot, East Coker